This Is My Life

What do you do when you realize that the world you are living in is not the world you dreamed of or even the world you remember creating? This isn't the life I pictured. Not even close. It's been so long that I don't really remember what that world looked like, just how I felt when I was actually a part of it. That feeling was a belonging; it was safety; it was hope.
How do I go back? How do I start over? Can I? Do I really want to? Where do I find the world that has a place for me in it? I feel like a puzzle piece in the wrong box. I know that I belong somewhere but I don't know where to look. Maybe I am in the right box but I got turned around or flipped over . . . how do I figure it out without causing a bigger mess?
I have spent my life trying to not disappoint other people. In the process I have disappointed myself most of all. How is it possible to lose who you are and not realize it? How do you get so off track that you don't know what the track looks like? How do you go about fixing it all without any frame of reference? Where can I go from here? How do you learn to live in the moment? How do you dream of a future when you can't understand the past?
The song by Switchfoot asks this question:

"Don't close your eyes, this is your life. Are you who you want to be?

This is your life, is it everything that you dreamed it would be

when the world was younger, and you had everything to lose?"

The simple answer .... no.

The Blahs

After changing medication last week I was hoping to feel better by now. I'm not sure why I haven't improved but I'm trying to be patient and give it another week or so. I'm still running a fever off and on, my head feels like it weighs 60lbs, and I just feel like I'm completely removed from my body. My muscles and joints are still sore but that could be because of my trek over the weekend or just because that's the way that it's going to be from now on. I know that some of you are worried about me but I promise that I'm going to be fine, it's just a lot to deal with at one time. Keep praying and keep thanking God for the blessings that you have in your life!

Here's another picture that I took while hiking. There's always something beautiful if you are willing to look for it!

Winding Paths

Over the weekend I went on a long walk with some friends. This is one of the pictures that I took. It was a beautiful day and the trip was fun but extremely exhausting for me. Just as this picture shows, the path is long and winding with no knowledge of where or how things will end. Those of you who know me well, know that I always have a plan and that I'm a little bit of a perfectionist. It is hard for me to think that in just 2 months I will be unemployed and have no place to live. I trust that God sees the next turn in my path and that He is guiding me in the way that I need to go. I trust that "All things work together for good for those that love the Lord." May you all be blessed on your own paths of life and may you have a clearer picture of where you are headed!

Changes

Over the past few weeks I have been steadily declining back to where I was 4 or 5 months ago. I have been running a low-grade fever on a consistent basis for almost 3 weeks, daily headaches, my joints are aching again and I am having muscle spasms in my arms and legs. It sounds worse than it is, but I am just tired of overlooking it. I talked with my doctor today and he is switching my medication since I'm on the highest dose already and having symptoms anyway. I am supposed to check in with him next week to report my progress so hopefully by then I will be feeling better.
On a lighter note .... 70 days to go!! I am still looking at any available jobs in the area and today I entered a contest to win a house for $100. http://www.winmyhouse.net/ Sounds a little too good to be true, but I researched it thoroughly and it seems on the up-and-up. Either way, I figure that I can risk the money to win a house worth 3000 times that amount. I also found out today that a good friend is having a baby girl and I'm thrilled for the family! Lots of good things happening in life! I hope that everyone has a fun weekend and gets to enjoy the great spring weather!!

Sunrises and New Days

This was the sunrise from my deck last week. VERY rarely am I awake at the time of day to see the sunrise but last week one of my teams felt that it was necessary to practice at 8:00am. Needless to say, I was not so happy those 3 mornings that I had to wake up before the sun. However, when I went into my kitchen to get breakfast this beautiful sky was what I saw. I doubt that I will make a habit of waking up to see the sunrise but it did make those few days last week a little more bearable.
Basketball season is finally finished (YEA!!!!) so now I only have baseball, softball and tennis to worry about. I am counting down the days until I am officially finished ... 72! It doesn't seem like enough to accomplish all the things that are still up in the air but I'm working on it. I have a possible lead on a job and if that works out then it will help to decide where I am going to live. I still haven't had any offers on my house here but I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Trivial Pursuit

I called my parents house last night after I had finished a 15-hour workday. Here's what I was missing out on: my parents, my sister and her fiancee, my brother and his fiancee, and my grandparents all having dinner and a game night. It makes me sad to think about missing out on so much 'family time' over the past few years while I have been away. That is what I am looking forward to most about moving home; having time and being able to spend it with the people that I love the most. I am currently on Day 2 of a 7-day stretch of games so pray for me, my sanity, and a little rest somewhere in the middle!

Personality Type

I saw this link ( http://www.win.net/insightsys/question.htm ) on a website and thought that I would give it a try. According to this I am type ESFJ, which is odd considering that I was a different type in high school when I last remember taking this test. That got me wondering if personalities really do change or if maybe I just didn't know who I actually was back then. I do feel that I am a stronger and more self-aware person now than I was 7 years ago so hopefully all the changes have been for the better. After reading the assessment of my personality profile I completely agree with all of it. I think that you should all take the test and post a response with your profile. It will be interesting to see if the profiles match up with how you view yourself and how others view you. Also, please let me know if you agree with my results. Have a great week!!

Heroes

I had a great couple of hours with my friends and family over the weekend and hopefully it will be enough to get me through until I can see them again. I was also able to get some new medication while I was away. I'm not sure yet if it is helping mainly because I have been feeling sick all this week. I took one day off work and rested the entire day which helped a little.
This past week or so I have been thinking a lot about my grandma. She is a wonderful woman and one of my biggest heroes in life. (Grandma, I hope that you are reading this because you need to know how much you change people's lives.) I have always looked up to her and to my grandpa for the way that they have opened their lives and their home to save so many children. The past few years have been incredibly difficult for our family but you would never know it by her attitude. She is one of the most genuine people that I have ever met and if I have any of the same gifts as her, I hope that I will be able to touch lives the way that she has. While I was thinking about her the other night I decided to write down what she has meant to me and to hundreds of other people.

Astounding ... Beautiful ... Compassionate ... Driven ... Example ...

Faithful ... Godly ... Heroic ... Inspiring ... Joyous ... Kind ...

Loving ... Motherly ... Noble ... Open ... Peaceful ... Quiet ...

Respected ... Special ... True ... Unshakeable ... Vibrant ...

Wonderful ... X-traordinary ... Youthful ... Zealous

Isn't this how every person should want to be thought of? I know that she has never asked for recognition or wanted to be the focus but people should get the chance to see how much of a difference they have made. Grandma, I love you!

Reunion!

It's been a long and hard week but tomorrow I get to leave for the weekend and see some amazing friends. I can't wait to spend time with these people that I haven't seen in such a long time. Friends are such a wonderful blessing from God and I feel like my friends are especially wonderful. They have stuck with me through so much and have always kept me going. They are wonderful women who will be a part of my life for hopefully many years to come.

I hope that your weekend is as full and blessed as mine will be. Have fun and enjoy every minute because you'll never get it back!