Emotions

My house is going to go on the market this week. It's hard for me to believe that I am going to have to sell the house that I worked so hard to buy. I didn't think that I would care as much as I do. As I was trying to clean last night so that the pictures would look nice I realized how much I love my house and how much it has meant to me to be able to own a home. I know that I will probably own a few more over the course of my lifetime but the first one will always mean so much to me. I feel a little silly caring so much about a house but I doubt that I'm the only person who has ever felt this way. It could be the complete lack of sleep that has caused me to be emotional. I am still not sleeping well on a regular basis and today I can't turn my head to the left. I have been feeling pretty lousy for the past week but I've tried to focus on other things and that hasn't helped so I'm just going to address the issue. My head feels like it's going to explode, my neck is stiff, my back hurts, and my joints are starting to swell again. I know that I can overcome these things. Phillipians 4:13 says "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". Hopefully I can talk with my doctor this week and figure something out. Thanks for the prayers!

THE Announcement

I think that it is finally safe to say what has been on my mind for the past several days. Last week, after a lot of praying, I decided to resign my job. I feel that the stress of the ridiculously long hours and the overall stress of the office have contributed to the decline of my health. I feel that it is time to move back home, closer to family and friends. Hopefully this will help my health improve. I have started the lengthy process of trying to find a job in the area and someplace to live. I am at complete peace with this decision and I'm sure that there are some of you who are so excited that I'm moving back that you are jumping up and down. If you know of any job openings or have any ideas I would love to hear them. I'm so excited to finally be coming home!

Breathing Room

I took yesterday off work. I didn't do anything at all related to my job. I didn't take phone calls, schedule appointments, file paperwork, or listen to any complaints. It was so refreshing to be completely isolated for a day. I actually got a few tasks accomplished from start to finish. I have a lot more to do, but I know that I can handle it a little at a time. This next week is going to be crazy but I'm hoping to get out of town for a few hours next weekend to see some college friends which will be a ton of fun and a huge stress reliever. Thanks for the continued support and prayers. It means the world to me!

My Take on "The Secret"

I TiVo Oprah everyday and watch the days that seem interesting. Two weeks ago she did a show on this new phenomenon that is a book and a dvd called "The Secret". From what I could gather it tells people that based on the universal laws of attraction whatever you think about will be what is. According to these 'experts' if you think about being healthy and having a lot of money, you will. This upset me a little bit because it makes it seem like those of us who are not 100% happy with our lives are to balme. If we would just think more positive thoughts then we would have a better life. I didn't read the book or watch the dvd but I thought about that show for a couple days.
Then last week Oprah did an update of people whose lives had been transfored in the week since the show aired. I was curious to see how this could change someone's life in a week. People said that they saved their marriges, got better jobs, fell in love, and all sorts of crazy other things that I just don't know if I believe. However, the part of the show that upset me most was when the 'experts' told a woman in the audience that as individuals we answer to no one and that there was no such thing as a heaven or a hell. They claimed that these are feelings based on how our life is here on earth, not actual places. I believe that "The Secret" is completely off base and it is some form of spirituality for the non-religious people that need something to believe in. It is telling these people that they should believe in themselves and the power that they have within them to change every aspect of their lives.
I do feel that God gives us the power to determine what our lives will be, but I do not think that I can cure myself of a disease, or poor eye-sight like one woman claimed. Psalm 139:16 says that "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." God has a plan for our lives and through prayer we are better to able understand His plan and live our lives accordingly. I also believe that we have free-will in our lives and that we are able to live however we chose. MY "secret" is being a Christian and believing that "all things work together for good for those that love the Lord".

The Calm After the Storm

I finally feel like I can breathe. I have made some decisions that will soon make my life much better. I feel like I can see a light at the end of the tunnel now that hasn't been there for a long time. Physically, I'm still having joint and muscle pain but I actually slept last night for almost 9 hours. Hopefully the forthcoming changes in my life will coincide with decreased physical symptoms and a better sense of normalcy in my life. I know this message seems cryptic, and it is, but I'll fill in more details as I feel like I can. Thanks for the prayers, I can feel them working!

Life is ...

Have you ever tried to figure out a metaphor for your life? Recently I have felt like my life has been a roller coaster. Some highs, some lows, some quick turns, but mainly just too fast to enjoy it. I love roller coasters but feeling as if you are constantly living on one without knowing which direction is coming next is no way to live. Yesterday I decided that my life is a train wreck. I was speeding along on a pre-determined path and then I hit something. A wall, another train, a car, a cow, I'm not real sure what I hit but I know that it hurt. I feel like this is an opportunity to change the direction my life is going and hopefully the speed at which it is passing me by. Maybe my life can become like a horse-and-buggy ride, or like a bicycle ride. I need to find a purpose in my life and the strength to carry it through. Please keep praying for me and if you have any metaphors for your life, I'd like to hear them.

Answered Prayers

It's amazing what the Lord can do when you let Him. I have been praying for time to get things done and I got my answer today. It rained here most of last night and this morning so the baseball games for this afternoon were cancelled. I was able to check a few things off my lengthy to-do list this morning. Now if I could just find time to go grocery shopping and get a haircut I would feel so much better. Thanks for the prayers and please keep them coming!

Time

Time is one of those things that I have never been able to have enough of. Most of my life I have been on the run. My grandpa always told me that I learned to run before I walked. I don't know if that's true, but I don't think that I've ever learned to live at a normal pace. I wish that I didn't need as much sleep as I do. If I could spend less time trying to sleep maybe I would have enough free time to accomplish all the little things that seem to get left behind. I feel like there is so much coming at me that I can't manage all of it. There is a song by Sugarland called "Stand Back Up" that I have made my anthem of sorts. This is the part that chokes me up:

I've been beaten, I've been bruised, I've been kicked right off my shoes,
Been down on my knees more times than you'd believe,
When the darkness tries to get me, There's a light that just won't let me,
It might take my pride, and tears may fill my eyes,
But I'll stand back up ......
You'll know just the moment when I've had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up

I know that no matter how I feel, the small things are small for a reason and in the long run they don't matter. It's days like today when I wish that I had someone in my life who could do the small things for me. Someone to depend on that I could trust with everything that matters and even the things that don't. It would be nice if my family were closer but living so far away was my choice and most of the time I feel that it was a good one. Keep me in your prayers, hopefully I can get past these next few weeks and keep my sanity in tack.

Feelings

This is an article that I found while trying to research and learn more. Most of it describes how I feel but some of it doesn't apply to me. Regardless, I think that it will make others aware of what I am actually going through. I feel that I should give credit to the person who wrote it but I'm not sure who that is so just understand that it wasn't me.

I’m not trying to speak for everyone, but from my own perspective I can tell you what I NEED from my family and friends and so seldom get.
I NEED TO BE SHELTERED dropped off at the curb and told, don't try to do that, let me help you.... There is so much going on in my body that I have no control over and it does get overwhelming and exhausting to my body.
I NEED TO FEEL PROTECTED even though I can't be safe on the inside at least I can feel if ANYONE or ANYBODY wants to "get at me" then they are going to have to "GO THROUGH" my protector.
I NEED TO FEEL CHERISHED as if my family or friends feel they are blessed for each day we have together, LIFE IS SO FRAGILE.
I NEED TO FEEL CARED FOR when I am feeling sick everything is hard to do, even dressing and I WOKE UP WITH ONLY 2 MILES OF ENERGY INSIDE OF ME AND A NORMAL DAY TAKES 25 MILES WORTH. I need someone else to say, "let me empty the dishwasher", or “so what do you need me to do?” I FEEL GUILTY when I can't do the daily inconsequential details that are the GLUE HOLDING THE HOUSEHOLD INTACT.
I NEED TO FEEL RESPONSIBLE I know the latest research, I am on the internet each day to learn more, please don't say B-12 might cure me, I’ve tried the miracle cures and read the articles. DON’T YOU KNOW how DISAPPOINTED I GET WITH MY OWN BODY for NOT COOPERATING?
I NEED TO FEEL FORGIVEN for NOT being a full person (in the world's view). You may not hold a grudge, I know it’s hard on you to pick up slack, but I don't FEEL FORGIVEN, I feel guilty.
I NEED TO FEEL LIKE PART OF A TEAM working toward a common goal (our life together) and it is OK if my main contribution is SPIRIT.
I NEED TO FEEL INCREDIBLE I get angry sometimes seeing a tennis mom sachet into lunch with the girls after a manicure. I WISH I had the energy to even have a manicure, let alone waste precious energy on such frivolous pursuits as gossip over lunch and judging other women's clothes and homes and accomplishments.
I NEED TO FEEL AFFIRMED So many people scoff when I can't "Do just this one little activity, and it IS EXPECTED." I get tired of feeling guilty for not BEING ENOUGH to people that I don't care about in the first place. When I rant over the injustice of my illness, don't try to talk me out of it, or encourage me, just say "I KNOW, IT ISN'T FAIR, YOU DON'T DESERVE THIS"
I NEED A FRIEND who is there for me on the good days and there for me on the bad days, too. I get left out of a lot, because I go for periods of time when I am unable to do much, they think I probably can't participate, so they forget about me, or just don't even invite me. It is LONELY being ill over a long term.
I NEED TO BE ENCOURAGED The thought of being sick like this for the rest of my life INDUCES WAVES OF PANIC. It sometimes seems like a life not worth living, the quality is so poor so much of the time. I’m a Christian, I have great faith, but it can be overwhelming, especially when it’s implied "if your faith were greater, or if you would just DECIDE not to be sick....." We HAVE ALL TRIED THAT - it doesn't work.
I NEED TO BE PRAYED FOR Frankly sometimes in the middle of the night when everyone is sleeping soundly and there are only the creaks of the house for company....I'm SCARED, REALLY SCARED. I wonder who will remember me when I’m gone and if I’m making any sort of impact on the world at all to validate my life. REALITY looms large and feels ominous. It seems like I’m PURSUED NIGHT AND DAY BY A STEALTHY UNSEEN STALKER, who knows my every move. It would feel wonderful to really believe I am actively prayed for.
I NEED TO BE ANTICIPATED If I am sick in bed, know that I am dying inside, because I am neglecting things that need to be done, and the PRESSURE AND STRESS TO GET WELL is VERY GREAT because I know when I do get out of bed THERE WILL BE EVEN MORE RESPONSIBILITY WAITING FOR ME than BEFORE I wore myself down into a state of exhaustion and bedrest. Just come on over and SILENTLY DO SOMETHING/ ANYTHING, and don't even expect gratitude, I may not even realize, but when I get up a lighter load will be blessed.
I NEED TO BE NURTURED I just got an email requesting a group of us to get a nice meal up for someone, because she is down with the flu, poor husband for taking care of her! I LIVE WITH THE FLU EVERYDAY OF MY LIFE! The last time a meal was brought to us, was a year ago, after I had been extremely sick for 6 weeks. Before that it was years. No one even THINKS of reaching out to a chronically ill person, because they might be EXPECTED to do it monthly or because they are so used to you being sick, they don't even realize sick MEANS SICK. Our families suffer too, and would like a warm meal, as much as the lady who just had a baby or the woman with toe surgery.
I NEED TO BE APPLAUDED give me CREDIT for being a SURVIVOR AND A THRIVER. TO KNOW that there are women out there who have never had more than a broken acrylic nail and an unreliable housekeeper, is infuriating sometimes, especially when it’s implied they must be better than me or I wouldn't be sick all the time and unorganized and uninvolved. I know we don't know what people's lives are like behind closed doors, but I would love, have prayed, to JUST BE SHALLOW FOR A DAY and take every STEP, BREATH AND ACTIVITY FOR GRANTED without deciding WHICH few things I could do today that will make a difference over the next 30 years (it is almost always be a good mom and wife).
I NEED TO BE RESPECTED I am intelligent, I am attractive, I was once beautiful.... It is depressing to swell into a stranger because of meds and to have no clothes that fit attractively. I'm too tired to shop for them, and if I did shop for new clothes, I wouldn't have energy to wear them anywhere anyway. I CAN DO THINGS, I just can't prove it very often. I AM SOMEBODY not a disease, but the disease overshadows my chance TO BE MYSELF.
I NEED TO FEEL NORMAL Sometimes it feels like a BOLT OF REALITY HITS ME, as if I JUST REALIZED I am not a healthy person for the very first time. It doesn't seem real or possible for a minute, almost shocking. I can't do everything, but sometimes it would be fun to just play with no worries. HELP ME ESCAPE for a few hours to a play or comedy club, somewhere different where no one knows and I can forget.
I NEED MY DIGNITY It’s important for me, with so little control over anything else in my life, to at least have my dignity. Please DON'T SPECULATE ABOUT ME with other family members or friends and compare notes about my progress or lack of progress or determination or mindset, or your opinion of what I could, should or ought to be doing differently. It is easy to be smug when you aren't wearing lead ankle weights each day and trying to walk through neck deep water, this is what it really feels like. Everything is ten times harder for me than it is for you.
I NEED TO FEEL ACCEPTED AND INCLUDED not like a project to be SCRUTINIZED for worthiness and validity. I’m not going to doctor after doctor and struggling to survive for ATTENTION. Believe me, if I wanted attention, I’m bright and capable enough to get it in other ways. I’d rather be noticed for my good qualities and accomplishments. Even if I were getting attention, which I’m not, it certainly isn’t worth all this seclusion and suffering. REALLY who WANTS to have medical tests run and spend travel money on medication?Not every day is like this, there are good days, and that is what makes the bad days even more depressing sometimes, because you realize what you are missing.
DON’T TALK, JUST DO. Actions speak louder than words. You have the freedom to buy a plane ticket and go anywhere in the world and enjoy it. You can take a job, or join a club, or garden or take a hike or run in to a new shop or.............anything you decide to do on a whim. I have to think and plan and strategize. I am afraid to make plans because I really don't know if I will be able to follow through on them. Even planning takes energy, which may not leave enough energy for the actual doing. YOU PLAN SOMETHING and pull me along, with no responsibilities and NO GUILT if I can only do half of the plan...at least we will have done something.

Insomnia

For the past few weeks I have not been able to sleep more than a couple hours a night. I have taken prescription sleeping pills, over the counter sleeping pills, TylenolPM, and a few other things that people have recommended but nothing has helped. I haven't been sleeping well for almost a year now but it's getting worse. At least in the beginning the sleeping pills did the trick but now they have absolutely no effect. It's hard to function on a daily basis and do the job that I do with very little sleep. I am trying desperately to convince my co-workers and myself that I can manage it all but I don't know how much longer I can go without getting some rest. Right now I have more going on than any other time of the year so I am working 7 days a week and between 50 and 60 hours. I also know that it will get worse before it gets better so I'm in for a hard ride. Any advice would be helpful.

Tired in Tennessee

Overview of the past

I decided to start this blog in order to keep people up-to-date on the things happening in my life without having to repeat myself 300 times. As most people in my life know, I have been sick for quite some time now. I started having problems in the fall of 2005 and things have been getting worse ever since. I have seen 8 doctors and I'm still not 100% sure that they know what they are talking about. For the most part, my primary physician (who is an absolute God-send!!!) believes that I have SLE or Lupus, for short. For those of you who don't know what that is and don't feel like doing the research I'll try to give you a quick explanation. It is an autoimmune disease where the immune system works in overdrive and attacks the bodies healthy cells instead of the foreign cells. As the disease progress it can attack all different parts of the body but right now the only thing that has been affected for me is my joints and muscles. That means that I hurt a majority of the time, even with medication, and I don't have the stamina that a normal 25 year-old would have. Since the beginning I have tried to keep this mostly to myself but lately other people have begun to notice that things aren't as normal as they expect. Please understand that I'm a fairly private person and that sharing a lot of details is new to me. I am going to try my best to keep everyone informed but just as the progression of this disease is slow, so are the answers that go along with it. 2006 was a difficult year for me and for my family as we had many obstacles to overcome but with prayer and with each other, we are strong and positive about the future. I will try my best to answer any questions that people might have and I'm also willing to listen to any advice that might be helpful. Thanks for caring and thanks for reading!!