Emergency Room

On Monday I wasn't feeling well and I was having some irregular heartbeats along with some discomfort but it didn't seem that bad. By Monday night it was happening on a continuous basis and the pain was getting worse. I decided that I wouldn't go the the ER that night because I would probably need to be seen by a cardiologist and they wouldn't have one in the hospital at that time of day. I talked with my mom who made me promise that if it was still happening when I woke up Tuesday that I would go no matter what. The pain continued throughout the night so once I was finally able to get out of bed I showered and went to the hospital. It was a huge waste of my time and money seeing as how the doctor wouldn't listen to anything I said. They put me on a heart monitor for 3 hours and then told me that I was fine and I could go home. I tried repeatedly to tell them that it's not a problem with the electrical impulses in my heart that it is a problem with the actual structure of the heart, probably the valves. They also took some blood and then told me to stop taking the medications that my specialist has prescribed. As soon as I got out of the hospital I called my doctor's office and they told me to continue with the medication until I could talk with the doctor. I have talked with the nurse again this morning and she said that she would relay all of the information to him and then let me know what he wants to do. I think that I need to see a cardiologist so that I can have an echocardiogram done to actually see my heart. I'll keep you posted on the progress.

I leave you with a picture of me hooked up to the machines.

Doctor's visit

I saw our orthopedic doctor this morning and he feels that there isn't a break but a significant bone bruise. He wants me to keep the splint on until the pain lessens as well as ice and elevation. If I don't feel any improvement in 2 weeks I am supposed to go back to see him. What a sigh of relief!

Damage from the storm

The damage is worse than I originally thought. After being sore all day yesterday from my fall on the ice the soreness quickly turned into severe pain. My wrist was hurting so bad last night that I couldn't sleep. This morning when I got to work I had my boss and co-worker take a look at it and we have come to the conclusion, after some black-market x-rays, that I have broken my wrist. I'm going to see our orthopedic surgeon in the clinic on Thursday morning so we'll decide something then. Right now I am in a hard splint and just dealing with the pain.

Updates

A couple weeks ago I had a phone consultation with my doctor. I was able to let him know about the horrible reactions I was having to the latest antibiotic so he decided that I should quit taking it and move on to the next set of medicine. I have felt a little bit better since then but I am still having odd symptoms. I go back to see him the end of January so maybe I'll have better luck figuring this out face-to-face.

Here in southwest Missouri we are currently in the middle of a 5-day ice storm. They are predicting at least another inch of ice before it's over on Wednesday. So far we still have power and the roads aren't too slick. I can't say the same about the driveway. I didn't enjoy the 30+ minutes that it took to defrost my car this morning or the fact that I fell on the driveway. These are pictures from around the area. I'll try to take some at the house tonight and post them tomorrow.

On another note, my house is still for sale. I'm running out of time and money. I lowered the price again 2 weeks ago but I still haven't heard anything from my realtor.

Keep us in your prayers for the week so that we can make it through this storm safely.

Thankful

Yesterday was a wonderful day. I was able to spend the day with family and hear from a lot of friends. Besides being Thanksgiving, yesterday was also my birthday. I think that this was only the third time that they have fallen on the same day but it always makes for a better day when I am surrounded by my loving family. I share my birthday with one of my best friends growing up and I'm excited about getting to spend some time with her today. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving for the other side of my family so I will be stuffed once again. Here's a small list of what I am thankful for this year.

GOD

FAMILY

FRIENDS

IMPROVING HEALTH

NEW OPPORTUNITIES

A HOME THAT IS FILLED WITH LOVE

MY CHURCH FAMILIES

A JOB

TIME

May you all be blessed through this holiday season and remember what you are thankful for.

Pictures as Promised

Garth Brooks = AMAZING!!!

Last Sunday was the best day of my life.  My brother and I went to the Garth Brooks concert in Kansas City and it was absolutely unbelievable.  We were about 30 feet from the stage and at eye level.  I was lucky enough to buy tickets at face value the day they went on sale but the people around us were not so lucky.  The couple next to us paid $700 per ticket plus they flew in from Canada.  The lady in front of us didn't say how much she paid but she was from California and had tickets to 4 different shows that week.  Trisha Yearwood opened for Garth and she was better than I expected.  She only sang 5 songs and then there was a half hour break while they changed the stage.  Once he came out the place went crazy.  He sang for two and a half hours but the last half hour was just him and his guitar playing acoustically.  At one point he looked toward where we were sitting and I pointed at him and waved and he waved back.  Later on he pointed at my brother and I think that it's safe to say that we were on cloud nine, or maybe ninety.  I'll upload the pictures next week.  Stay tuned!!

Ahhh ... Christmas!

I absolutely love Christmas! I love lights, I love trees, I love shopping, I love wrapping presents, I love cooking, but mainly I love being with family. Today my cousin and I put up the Christmas tree at my grandmas house. I know it seems early but I usually put up my tree on November 1st so I'm actually more than a week behind. It just makes me happy to look at Christmas trees. This time of year when I go shopping I always browse through the holiday section because it puts me in a good mood. Some people feel that this means that I am skipping Thanksgiving. I feel that being so happy about Christmas gives me something to be thankful for. This means that it is also time to break out the Christmas music.

Speaking of music, my brother and I are going to the Garth Brooks concert tomorrow in Kansas City. This is my birthday present from my parents and it will definitely be the best birthday present ever. (My Kitchen Aid mixer runs a very close second!)

I hope that you all have as great of a weekend as I have had/will have.

Fun, Friends, and Fall

Homecoming was wonderful. It was so nice to be back on campus and get to see friends that I haven't seen in years. It was a relaxing weekend but packed full of fun. On Friday my brother and I went on a small hike to see the trees changing down by the river. Then I went over to the house of some of my greatest friends in Searcy and had dinner with them and their children who I only wish that I could claim as my own. After that we headed to the volleyball game for senior night which was packed. As expected, they won and it was a good game. On Saturday I went to see a lifelong friend and her husband in their new house. We wrapped Christmas boxes for church and ate breakfast. Then came the football game. After standing on the sidelines of games for years, I refused to sit in the stands. The conference has become a lot more strict since I left about how many people can be on the sidelines so I borrowed a Sports Medicine shirt and got my way. The game was an exciting one but I'll let you read about it here. We eventually won in thriller and that made my whole weekend. After the game I went to dinner with some friends and then we just hung out and talked for a few hours. Once I finally got back to the place I was staying it was time for the Razorbacks game which lasted until bedtime. Sunday I went to church with my brother and his family-to-be. After church I ate lunch and then got on the road back home. All-in-all it was a great trip and definitely the best one I have had in a long time, mainly because this one didn't involve any doctors visits or funerals. Below is a sampling of the pictures that I took of the changing leaves. I didn't take any of the football game because as a member of the sports medicine team, we don't have cameras on the sidelines ;).

This is on the drive down Highway 65 somewhere near Harrison, Arkansas

This has always been my favorite spot on the drive. About 9 miles north of Marshall you are driving through the woods and hills and then you come around a corner to this clearing and the barn. A few years ago this was a really run-down barn with a small shack beside it and the field was all grown over, which was breathtakingly beautiful. Recently someone has bought the land, refurbished the barn, torn down the shack, and cut down the field. It's still beautiful but now it's just a little cleaner. The picture is a little dark but you get the idea.

This was taken on my hike with my brother just outside of Searcy. When I was in school this place was referred to as 'B Rock' but my brother didn't know anything about it so maybe the new kids aren't as adventurous as we once were.

This is just south of Marshall. As you can see, it's definitely the prettiest town on the drive (and the most accessible for stopping to take pictures). This is an actual overlook off the highway that I stop at on a regular basis during my drives because no matter what the season, it is a beautiful view.

I hope that you enjoy these pictures as much as I enjoyed the real thing! God bless!

Homecoming

On Friday morning I will be leaving to attend homecoming at my alma mater. I could not be more excited about it. I haven't been able to return for homecoming since I graduated and it will be so nice to see everyone again. Since I spent the majority of my 4 1/2 years there working with the football team this means a lot to me and being back on the football field always feels like home. I am also thrilled that the leaves around this part of the country are just now changing so the 5 hour drive will be a beautiful one. Luckily since I've driven those roads at least a hundred times I will be able to enjoy the beauty instead of following directions. I am going to try and take a lot of pictures so I promise to post them next week when I return. I will also get to see my baby brother for a couple days which will be nice.

Tomorrow night marks the end of the high school football season for the team that I have been working with so I won't have to make any more trips out there until basketball season gets started up. It's been a bad year seeing as they haven't won a game yet but thankfully I haven't had any serious injuries since the first week.

Some of my family from Texas came in for a visit last week and it was good to see them and catch up. Since I lived away from my family for several years I felt a little out of touch with their lives. My cousin brought her 2 month old twin girls and we had a blast with them. I also have another cousin and his family that are back from a mission trip to have their second child so with all three babies together we had fun. I have pictures that I will post later of a few of my cousins and I with the four great-grandkids that were here.

Health wise last week was a rough week but I am recovering with some side effects. On a positive note, my medical insurance finally kicks in tomorrow so that should help with the medication expenses. I think it's absolutely absurd that a hospital makes you wait 90 days to have insurance but that's beside the point. I also had my 90-day evaluation yesterday and it went well. My boss loves me and so do his bosses so I wasn't worried.

This is a lot of rambling but I feel like it's information that some people will want and I'm bored out of my mind working at the YMCA tonight since there are zero people here because it is Halloween. I hope that your Halloween has been more fun than mine. I'll post pictures as soon as I have a chance. Have a great weekend!

SO Over It

There are many things in my life right now that make me just feel like I want to scream, "I'm SO over it!!" I don't know why I get caught up in things that don't matter. I have always been this way. I will put way to much time, thoughts, and energy into something or someone who does not deserve my attention in any way. I'm making it my goal for the rest of the year to only focus on what truly matters in life and the things that I will be able to personally effect.

How rich are you?

I feel like I am struggling financially. With the exhorborant costs of my medical care, a mortage for a house that I'm not living in, and some hefty school loans, I am barely scraping by. However, I came across a website today that made me feel extremely guilty for how much I have to complain about.

I'm loaded. It's official. I'm the 456,216,092 richest person on earth! How rich are you? >>

So what's your number? I don't want to know how much you make, just where you rank in this world of people in extreme poverty.

Boos

I changed one of my medications last week after seeing the doctor and added another. Since then I have had a constant headache (8 days for those of you who are counting) and nausea. I feel much more tired than I was before and due to working more, I have less time to sleep. Hopefully this will even out soon and the headaches will go away. I talked with the pharmacist earlier this week and she has informed me that it is more than likely the new medication, not the change in antibiotics that is the problem. The doctor did tell me that if the new medication doesn't improve my symptoms after 1 month then I don't have to continue with it. As of right now, it's looking as though this will be it for me at the end of the month.

I re-listed my house last week with a new realtor and lowered the price quite a bit so hopefully it will sell soon.

Keep me in your prayers!

Cheers!

The doctor said that I am progressing really quickly and that he is encouraged by how well I have responded to treatments. We discussed all of the questions and concerns that I have had over the past couple months so that helped as well. Basically he said that I need to continue with my medications and come back in 4 months. Depending on how I am doing then he might try to start taking me off some of the medication. Thank you so much for all of your prayers and thoughts. They mean so much.

Doctor's Appointment

Tomorrow is my return appointment. Say a quick prayer that I will be receiving positive feedback and the ability to eat any food that I want in moderation. I'll try to post as soon as I can tomorrow but I will be working late again so there are no guarantees.

Stress=No Sleep

After I saw my doctor almost 2 months ago and got on some good sleeping pills I had been getting at least 8 hours of sleep a night which was way up from the 2 or 3 that I had been dealing with before. I thought that I had this problem solved. Until last week. Last week I started coverage again for one of the local high schools and now I am back to not sleeping well at all. I thought that maybe it was time to up my dose of sleepy meds but that didn't help either. I have come to the conclusion that this is a direct result of the stress of covering sports again. Now, for those of you who know me pretty well I'm sure that you are not shocked by this. But for the others who may not know me as well, I take my job WAY to seriously and personal. If a kid gets hurt if will bother me for days, maybe weeks or years depending on the severity, trying to sort it all out in my head. On Friday I had to air-lift a kid to the hospital and it has been bothering me ever since. The kid is now recuperating at home but that experience will be with me forever. Just like the time in college when one of the athletes broke their neck, or when I had someone almost sever their finger in the weight room, or when I had a janitorial staff member have a heart attack and die in the gym after a basketball game. Those things have stuck with me for years and I don't see that changing anytime soon. I'm not someone who can easily detach and leave those things at work when I go home. I am an over-analyzer and a perfectionist so being in situations that seem to be out of my control are hard to deal with.

All of this to say that I am not sleeping well and I don't know what to do about it. I'm afraid that if I go back to not sleeping then I will start to get worse again. I can't go back there, I can't go through all of that again. I need advice. Please help.

Medically Speaking

I am doing okay. Recently I have been having more good days than bad and even my bad days aren't as bad as they were. I added 2 more medications today and in 2 weeks I will add one more. My doctor's appointment is in 2 weeks and at that point I will have a better idea of where I am in this long process and how much longer I have to go. From now on I will probably just post quick status updates rather than detailed explanations. If you ever have an questions or want to know more feel free to leave a comment or email me specifically. Thanks for the thoughts and prayers, I could not have made it this far without help and support!

A Day to Remember

Today is one that will always bring back very specific memories. I can remember exactly where I was and who I was with when we were told about the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. I will always remember the sense of patriotism that followed for months afterwards. I still feel that patriotism, but I don't think that the rest of the country does. It is a shame that we are fighting a war that continues to effect our freedom every day but has very little, if any, support from the people it protects. I have lost at least one friend to the war and maybe more people that I don't even know about yet. I am grateful for the sacrifices that the soldiers make every minute to be where they are and fighting for a country that does not think they should be fighting. Please remember our soldiers today and say a special thanks to God for living in a country that has freedoms worth fighting for and people that are willing to fight.

Steady

Right now I would say that I am holding steady. I don't feel as if I'm improving or getting worse. Every few days I feel like I'm getting better but then there will be a setback. I consider it progress that I am not getting worse on a daily basis but I would rather be getting better. I still have most of the same symptoms that I have had the past couple years. Daily I battle with fatigue, headaches, muscle aches, joint aches, cognitive issues (memory, concentration, and logical thinking), and hunger. I am still on the restrictive diet and even though I have found ways to eat more foods, I am still hungry for foods that I want but know that I can't have. I know that in the end, once I'm healthy again, none of this will matter but it seems so overwhelming right now.

My job is picking up steam and I am going to start coverage for a local high school next week so that will add a lot of stress and hours. My house has still not sold. My contract with the realtor ended last week so now I'm trying to sell it on my own. I have put an add in the local papers and had a few calls about it but nothing serious. I know that God has a plan in this but I haven't been able to see it yet, which is I'm sure why I still have not sold it. When God decides to reveal His plan to me I know that things will fall into place and the house will sell. Does anyone else know what His plan is that can fill me in?

Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. It lifts my soul to know that I have so many friends caring for me, watching over me, and praying for me. May God bless you all as much as you have blessed me!

St Louis

I had a great time in St Louis on Saturday and it was even better when the Cardinals won, espically since they beat the Braves! I love St Louis. I think that it comes from many years of family vacations every summer but just been there puts me in a good mood. When you are driving on the interstate and you can see the arch, you can't help but smile!

The new stadium is beautiful and the weather was so nice on Saturday. I started to get a little worried with all the storms in the area and they had an almost 2 hour rain delay the night before. I was feeling well but I knew that I would not have been able to wait out a rain delay and still make it through the game. Our tickets were in "Big Mac" Land so we got coupons for free Big Macs and we got foam "fries" to wave around. They put us on the jumbotron once. We had some really rude people behind us that were Braves fans. The kid kept kicking my chair and at one point when the Cardinals made a really great play they threw something at me when I stood up to cheer. It never fails that I always get stuck around drunk people who are cheering for the wrong team.

The total count for the summer is 4 ballparks, 6 games, and a ton of great memories!

Blahhhh

Tuesday night I got sick after dinner and threw-up a few times (I know that's gross but it's part of the story). I decided that I did not want to continue eating and try to retake all my medication. As I wrote before, I stopped my antibiotic for 2 1/2 days last week but evidently that was not long enough seeing that I was getting so sick. Yesterday was a real struggle, I felt like I was going to faint all morning and I couldn't eat lunch. During the afternoon I felt a little better but still not great. Last night I ate some dinner but nothing substantial. When I went to bed at 9 I fell asleep fairly quickly but I woke up at 10:30 in a considerable amount of pain. Somehow I fell asleep again until 1:30 when I woke up crying in so much pain that I thought I might not make it through the night. I had severe chest pain, racing heartbeat, stomach pain, pain in my arms and legs and a terrible headache. I decided at that point that I could no longer handle what was going on by myself. I prayed really hard for God to either take away the pain and let me sleep or to take me away to heaven. Obviously you know the result of that prayer. It's funny how sometimes when we think that we are all alone and God isn't listening that He is there and answers our prayers so quickly. I don't remember the pain going away but I know that I was still crying after I fell asleep because there were tear stains on my pillow and my shirt. Most of you are probably wondering why I chose to not call an ambulance but if you were paying my medical bills that the insurance isn't going to reimburse, you would understand. (Please don't lecture me, I know what I should have done and next time I probably will)

I felt somewhat stable this morning but as I'm writing this now I am feeling dizzy, lightheaded, nauseous, and overall blahhh. My heart still feels likes it's racing but I don't have the sharp pains that I had last night. I will not go back on my medication until I am feeling better for at least 2 full days which may take some time.

Due to other circumstances I have made plans to go with my family to see a St Louis Cardinals game this weekend which should lift my spirits. I haven't been to a game in about 4 years so I'm excited to see the new stadium and enjoy watching them play while they are winning right now. Maybe Albert Pujols will still be hitting a home run every game by the time I get there.

Please keep me in your prayers and don't be offended if I don't return phone calls or emails as I have no energy and this has taken me more than an half hour to write.

By the way, what do you think about the new look of the site? I had some down time at work and I thought it was time for a change.

Downhill slide (It's long and I'm sorry)

I have not been getting better but the downhill slide is not as steep as it was last week. I am having a lot of pain and semi-paralysis on my right side. My arm and leg just feel like dead weight and very heavy but I can still walk. Writing is difficult but if I go slow and think about it hard then I can do it. The writing is also compounded by the fact that I have been having the cognitive problems which cause me to forget my words and when I do remember them, I can't always remember how to spell them (be glad this has spell check or you would have a difficult time reading it).

I talked with a friend on Sunday night that also has Lyme disease but he is about 3 months ahead of me in the treatment process so he was able to give me some insight and a lot of encouragement. He said that he also went through this with the particular medicine that I am on now but that it did get better. He was actually doing worse than I am in some areas so I have a little bit of hope.

I know that I need to stay positive and realize that this means the medication is working but it's so difficult to stay positive when you feel worse than when you started. I was told by someone at church that if I would just think positive that I would feel better. It's a good thing that my right arm isn't working well or I might have punched him. Happy thoughts aren't going to cure me. I know that they will help, but sometimes you just don't want to be happy and other times it's just not possible to be happy.

On another note ..... My house still has not sold. The couple that might have made an offer has fallen through so now I'm back to square one. My contract with the realtor ends in 1 week and then I'm going to try and sell it own my own which will be difficult since I'm 8 hours away. If you know of anyone moving to the Jackson or Henderson, TN area please let me know or send them to this WEBSITE. It is also listed on Craig's List and several other sites. I have a family member who is a realtor in Chattanooga but there isn't much that he can do from that far away either so he has been the one so set up the websites for me. Thank God for family!!!

My brother's soon-to-be father-in-law is in the hospital right now and they aren't quite sure what is going on. He went in to have his kidney stones removed and during surgery he started bleeding internally. He was in ICU for 4 days and now he's in a private room but he's not recovering like he should be. My brother and his fiancee had to go back to Arkansas for school on Sunday so that was pretty hard on her to leave him. Please keep this family in your prayers.

On a happy note, my cousin had her twin girls a couple weeks ago and a great friend of mine had her baby girl last week. All is going well and I can't wait to meet all the new babies!

Thanks for you thoughts and prayers!

Worsening

Just wanted to update a little bit. I got a lot worse this week, it's technically called a Jarisch-Herxheimer reaction, so I have gone off my antibiotics for a short time. I have had to take a B12 shot the last 2 days in a row and I may have to have another one tomorrow. I have been having severe headaches, difficulty seeing and focusing, hands shaking, cognitive problems, fever, and severe fatigue. It has not been fun. I am sleeping better than I was and that is the only positive thing going on right now.

I have also begun to realize that there is very little that I can actually eat without making myself worse. Here's the basic list of what I can't have: sugar, fruits, starch, pork, caffeine, trans fats. Once you break this down it means that I can have some vegetables, some meat, eggs, and dairy. This is the diet that I will be on until I finish with my medication which could be up to a year.

My neighbor/realtor called on Friday and said that there was a couple interested in my house and they were working on financing. Please pray that the paperwork goes through and that they make an offer soon.

Thank you so much for all you concerns and prayers, they really keep me going!

Diagnosis ..... Finally!!

I got the official results back from my doctor this week and I do have a variation of Lyme Disease. The medication that I have already begun is the correct course of treatment so I am on the right track. Thanks for the thoughts and prayers!

Reactions

As I wrote previously, the doctors expect patients to get worse on the medication before they get better. So far, this has been the case. My vision has been more strained, I am more tired (if that is possible), I have had more muscle pain and soreness, I have also felt dizzy and lightheaded. None of these things are as bad as I expected them to be so I'm still pushing through the medication. I had the B12 shot on Friday and I felt that it worked for most of the day but by that evening I was extremely exhasusted from the wedding stuff. I feel that it would have been even worse without the shot so I consider this progress. I attempted to give myself another shot yesterday but it didn't go as planned so my grandmother had to give it to me. Hopefully I can get past whatever my fear of self-injection is and be able to give them to myself soon.

The job is going well. Right now I am doing a lot of research and brainstorming until the YMCA opens and I can actually get started. I am looking forward to it. I know that some people are worried that this isn't what I really want to do but I was ready for a change. I will be doing some high school sports coverage so that will be fun and keep me involved in the sports side of my life.

The wedding went well and she was BEAUTIFUL!!! I am glad that we don't have another wedding until next summer when my brother gets married. Weddings are stressful and a lot of work. When the time comes, I may just elope.

Keep praying for my house to sell and for my health!

Wedding Bells!

Not mine ... do you think I'm crazy?!? Today is my sister's wedding and I am so happy and excited for them, I love my new brother. I will be so glad when all of the stress is over and everyone can go back to being themselves again.

I went to the doctor this morning to get a B12 shot which should help my fatigue. Keep your fingers crossed. If it does work then I will be able to give myself shots as I need them, hopefully about once a week. The medication has been working because I have been feeling a little worse this past week. Nothing too serious but it is still frustrating.

Thanks for all your prayers, keep them coming!

Doctor's Visit

Yesterday was my appointment with the specialist and it went really well. They took a lot of blood to run several tests which should be back in a few weeks. Until then he started me on a few different medications, a lot of supplements and has suggested that I start on a healthy and mostly organic diet. We'll see how that goes. He seems to think that I will get worse before I get better but at least I will get better, eventually.

Thanks for all your prayers and concern, it means a lot to me. Keep praying for my house to sell soon!!

Progress

I have a job! I am currently in the process of moving (you see how productive I'm being since I'm typing this instead of carrying boxes) and trying to get settled. I start my job next week and I can't wait. The first 2 weeks of vacation were nice, the last 6 have been so frustrating. I will be working with a sports medicine clinic at a local hospital but I will actually be working at the new YMCA as a Lifestyles and Wellness Coordinator. I'm not sure if that's the actual title but it sounded nice. I will also be doing some sports coverage at a local high school part-time. As I get started with the job and get more involved I'll explain more. Since I'm moving I will not have much access to the internet so it may be awhile before there are updates but I will try.

My appointment with the specialist is this Thursday and I am very relieved because I need to get a diagnosis so that I can hopefully be cured. My house has still not sold and I am getting more worried by the day. My dad is in Panama for the next 10 days on a medical mission trip so please keep him in your prayers along with all this other stuff.

We lost a great family friend and a wonderful woman of God this past week. She was an amazing woman and was very loved. I love the Eakins family very much my heart and prayers are with them. May God bless them and give them the peace they need.

No News

I haven't updated in awhile because I haven't had anything to update. Medically I have not been doing well lately but my doctor's appointment is next week so I'm holding out hope that I will finally be diagnosed and on my way to recovery. I have still been working on trying to find a job and I feel like I'm about to succeed. I have talked with the hospital again and if things stay on track I should be able to start at the beginning of August. Once things are final I will try my best to explain the job and the circumstances. I will also be moving again in order to be closer to the job. I absolutely hate moving but I know that it's for the best and I will get to live with my wonderful grandmother.

Please keep me in your prayers and know how grateful I am for all of the love and support.

Independence Day

I LOVE this holiday. Right after Thanksgiving, this is my second favorite day of the year. I love that we are able to celebrate our freedom and the way that we live. I love that this is a day spent with family and friends. I love BBQs and picnics. And I love fireworks. If not for the brave and heroic soldiers that fight for our freedoms everyday we would not be able to have this holiday. We take so much of our lives for granted and don't stop to think about how lucky we truly are. Take time today to remember how blessed we are as individuals and as a nation. I had a friend that was killed in the line of duty in Iraq last year and there isn't a single day that goes by that I don't think about him and how much he gave up for me to be here living this life. When you hear the Star Spangled Banner today or see an American flag, stop and take a moment to remember what this day actually means. In fact, take a moment every day, not just today.

Photos

I never could get the pictures to load on here so follow this link to my album on Facebook.

http://harding.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2046573&l=c3dc8&id=71006176

Vacation Wrap-Up

I had a great time in California hanging out with several different friends and enjoying the great weather. The conference was interesting and I heard a lot of new information. It definitely made me ready to go back to work. Throughout the week we had time to do the touristy stuff so here's the rundown. We went to two Angels games, Disneyland, California Adventure, met Vince Papale (from last summer's Disney movie Invincible), Santa Monica Pier, Malibu, Pepperdine University, Rodeo Drive, saw the Hollywood sign, and went to a Dodgers game. It was a long week and I took a ton of pictures but I can't get them to load. I'll keep trying!

Vacation

I'm leaving this week for a week-long trip to California. The last 4 days will be spent listening to lots of lectures at the annual meeting for Athletic Trainers. However, the first 4 days will be spent with my great friend Kelley just hanging out and having fun. I haven't seen her in a few years so it will be a great time to catch up and just relax.

I am still waiting on news about the job that have interviewed for. Hopefully I will get the official word this week. I am still trying to sell my house so keep that in your prayers.

Health-wise, I have been all over the place. Last week I felt pretty sick all week. Just sore in my joints, headache, fever, and still having problems sleeping. I'm mainly concerned about next week and whether or not I'll be able keep up the whole week and stay focused.

I had some great friends that got married over the weekend so I just want to say congratulations and best wishes to the Wilsons!!

Keep praying!

Hearts

I just realized that I never updated the issue of my heart that I wrote about previously. When I returned to the doctor for my check-up he put me on a heart monitor for 24-hours. The results showed no abnormalities or complications so they once again labeled me 'normal'. I have still been having these palpitations and some chest pains. Most of the time I can continue with what I am doing but sometimes I have to take a break and rest for awhile. After talking with my friend that has Lyme disease, I now realize that this is a symptom and a common one at that. I received the paperwork for my up-coming doctor's appointment and after reviewing the symptoms listed, I realized that I have nearly 75% of them (95 out of 130) and it includes several things that other doctors have told me were not related to my illness. This makes me feel better knowing that I'm not crazy to notice all the things that have gone wrong over the past few years.

I am having another interview on Friday afternoon and I'm really praying for this to work out. I'm still waiting anxiously to sell my house but I have a good feeling about it.

Keep praying, I can feel it working!

News and Notes

I have been home for a week now and I'm finally settling in. I am living with my grandparents for the time being which has been an adjustment from living on my own for the past several years. I has been good to catch up with family and friends and get some much needed rest. I visited with an old friend yesterday about my health and I feel confident that I have Lyme Disease. I have been tested for this previously but evidently the tests were not as extensive as they should have been. I have an appointment with a specialist in the area in late July so I won't know much until then. I am still waiting to hear about a job and still trying to sell my house. I'm trying to stay positive and patient, knowing that God has a plan. Thank you to everyone who has prayed for me and my family over the past few months. I sincerely appreciate everything that has been done for me. Keep praying and keep thinking positive thoughts.

Home Sweet Home

Just a quick note to say that I am back home in Missouri. I will update more and fill in details as soon as I have some free time. Thanks for the prayers, keep them coming!

Parties and Goodbyes

A bunch of friends had a Going-Away party for me yesterday and we had a lot of fun. It was nice to have them there and enjoy the friendship that they have provided through the past couple years. I am so grateful to all of these people for the strength and courage they have given me. I could not have made it to this point without them. Some people were absent from the party because of other circumstances but I feel the same way about them. As excited as I am to leave all of this behind and move on to another part of my life, it's still hard to say goodbye and know that I may never have the chance to spend time with them again.

I have had several interested parties looking at my house this week and I'm praying earnestly for someone to actually buy it. I am leaving here in 12 days so things need to speed up!

I had another small spell of irregular heartbeats yesterday but it didn't last long. I go back to the doctor in 1 week so maybe he will be able to give me some answers then. Thank you for all of your prayers and well-wishes, it does my heart good (literally).

"Normal"

I received my test results from the doctor today, apparently everything is 'normal'. I am extremely doubtful that this is the case considering the circumstances. I have requested a copy of the lab results to compare to my previous tests which should provided a more accurate representation of what is going on currently. I am still on the antibiotics for another 3 weeks. I was also given the name of a specialist back in Missouri so if I'm not better by the time that I get moved home, I will make an appointment to see him.

I talked with the realtor's office today and they are going to be showing my house twice this week so pray hard!!

Prayers

I have a lot going on right now in my life so I need prayers, and lots of them. I went to the doctor yesterday and I'm going back in the morning for some routine tests. When I have more information I will pass it along. Right now I'm also trying to pack up all my stuff, sell my house, find a job, and not lose my mind in the process.

Officially I have 20 days of work left but in reality I have a meeting on Tuesday morning and that will be the end for me. I'm excited about moving on and seeing what else is out there in my future but I'm also very nervous to not have any set plans. I am a perfectionist and somewhat compulsive about order and routine. Having no idea what my future holds is quite scary.

I know that God has a plan for me (Jeremiah 29:11) and I know that it will be better than I could ever imagine!

Breathe

I had a long and stressful week but now I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Technically I have 25 days left of work but in theory I will be finished next week when all of my sports are finished. I feel like I need to breathe and slow down before I run out of time and out of energy to accomplish the things in life that are actually important. I have not found a job yet but some things are still in the works so I'm pretty optimistic. I am also still trying to sell my house which has proven harder than I imagined it would be. The realtor seems to think that it will sell quickly but that's what he's been telling me for the last 2 months.

Health-wise, I'm not really sure how I'm doing. I am still not sleeping more than a couple hours a night so I think that is effecting everything else. Over the past few weeks I have noticed what feels like heart palpitations but I don't have an irregular heartbeat or any other symptoms, it just makes me feel a little funny for a while and then it goes away. If anyone has any ideas about this or what may be causing it I would love to hear them. I plan on finding a doctor when I get moved back to Missouri since I don't currently have a doctor in the area. Until then I am just going to take it easy any not exert myself too much.

A lot of people around me are going through some tough times right now and I'm asking for prayers for me and for them on their behalf.

A Legend

This has been a crazy week and it's not over yet. I have to work most of the weekend, my parents and my brother are in town, and we are attending a dinner to benefit the place where I currently have 33 days left to work. However, the speaker at this benefit is truly a legend and a childhood hero of mine. I remember growing up and watching him play. I was at the game when his number was retired. It will be a huge honor to finally meet, and have my picture made with, OZZIE SMITH! I am excited to spend some more time with my family and hopefully they can get some more of my stuff packed up and moved home this weekend too.

Health-wise I am feeling better this week, just run down from work. My fever is almost gone and I have less pain, but the main problem that I am still having is that I can't sleep at all. I am ready for the next month to be over so that I can get some rest and get rid of the massive amounts of stress that are tied up in this job. Speaking of jobs, I am still in the process of finding employment so keep it in your prayers.

Job Interviews, Dresses, and Family

I guess that I should start by saying that I was able to come home this weekend so I decided to set up a job interview while I was here. I was able to stay with my grandmother in her new house so that was exciting for me to finally see. I had my interview yesterday morning and ended up finding out about a few other jobs at the same time. I think that at least one of the jobs is promising so I am fairly relieved.

My sister is getting married in the fall so I was able to see her try on her wedding dress for the first time yesterday and get fitted for my own lovely bridesmaid dress. It was somewhat surreal to see her in a wedding dress but she was beautiful! I can't wait for the wedding, it's going to be a lot of fun and then I'll have another brother too.

Last night I stayed with my other grandparents and it was nice to catch up with them and spend some quality time. It's nice to come home and feel like I've been missed while I was away. After church in the morning it's a seven hour drive back to the circus for a few more weeks. Hopefully this weekend was enough to get me through to the end.

Keep the family of Virginia Tech in your prayers!

Tragedy at Virginia Tech

I feel as if I have to say something about the devastating tragedy that took place yesterday in Blacksburg, Virginia. One of my best friends and her husband work on campus are graduate students at VT. She called me on Sunday to tell me that they had left town for a family emergency and that they would most likely be gone all week. I was upset that they were going through this situation but I knew that things would work out just fine. I know that God works in mysterious ways but this one was made so profound yesterday morning when I saw the news that there had been a shooting. As the day went on and the news only got worse I was comforted by the fact that they were not there and in danger. I pray for the families and friends of all the students at VT but for the victims most of all. I can not imagine what they are going through today and what they will continue to deal with in the future. Things like this put so much else about life in perspective. I am so blessed in the life that I have and the friends that surround me. I am blessed to have a loving family. But most of all, I am blessed to be a Christian and have a loving and all-knowing God that takes care of me on a daily basis. I do not deserve the life I have, no one does, but I am eternally grateful and forever in awe.

I'm Tired

I'm tired ... physically, mentally, emotionally, and every other possible way. I'm tired of feeling like I'm falling apart. I'm tired of not being able to get better. I'm tired of trying new medicine that never works. I'm tired of other people expecting me to act happy-go-lucky and perky all the time regardless of how I'm feeling. I'm tired of never knowing what to expect when I wake up in the mornings. I'm tired of people not treating me right, not trusting me, and basically not respecting me. I'm tired of trying to fake being happy when I'm so far from it. I'm tired of being so far away from home. I'm tired of being away from family and friends. I'm just tired.

Another New Medication

Last week I started having a reaction to the new medication that I was taking so I stopped taking it on Thursday and today was the first time that I was able to talk with my doctor. Now having been off medication for almost 4 days I can't believe how much of a difference it has made. I remember what it was like before the doctors started me on medication and I'm so grateful that people some where in the world have the intelligence to create this. Right now I have a lot of pain and swelling in my joints, I'm running a fever again, I have had a constant headache since Friday afternoon, and I am not sleeping well. I am supposed to start a new medication today so as soon as I can get out of work and get to the pharmacy I will be in a much better mood. It is my prayer that this medication will work and that I can stay on it awhile without any serious side effects.

On a different subject, work is going as can be expected. I'm ready to finish and get out of here. Only 51 days to go!!! My teams are doing well and all of them will probably have a long run through the post-season so it will be keeping me busy right up until the end.

Purpose

Do you know your life purpose? If you know your purpose, are you living it out? At the beginning of the year I re-read A Purpose Driven Life, by Rick Warren. The book didn't help me find my specific purpose but it did help me realize that once I figure out what it is, I need to live it out fully not just like it's a hobby in my spare time. In the past few weeks while I have been looking for new jobs and possibly a new career I have taken more time to think about what it is that I truly want my life to be about. I want to help people, I want to change lives, and I want to make a difference. I don't know the best way to go about this since that could include hundreds of careers, including the one that I already have. I guess now I'm just evaluating how much of an impact I feel like I have in this position. I feel like this is the time in my life that I get a second chance and I feel blessed to have the options that I do. I am grateful to my family and friends for their support for everything that I have gone through and for everything that is still to come. I am so blessed and so loved, praise God!

This Is My Life

What do you do when you realize that the world you are living in is not the world you dreamed of or even the world you remember creating? This isn't the life I pictured. Not even close. It's been so long that I don't really remember what that world looked like, just how I felt when I was actually a part of it. That feeling was a belonging; it was safety; it was hope.
How do I go back? How do I start over? Can I? Do I really want to? Where do I find the world that has a place for me in it? I feel like a puzzle piece in the wrong box. I know that I belong somewhere but I don't know where to look. Maybe I am in the right box but I got turned around or flipped over . . . how do I figure it out without causing a bigger mess?
I have spent my life trying to not disappoint other people. In the process I have disappointed myself most of all. How is it possible to lose who you are and not realize it? How do you get so off track that you don't know what the track looks like? How do you go about fixing it all without any frame of reference? Where can I go from here? How do you learn to live in the moment? How do you dream of a future when you can't understand the past?
The song by Switchfoot asks this question:

"Don't close your eyes, this is your life. Are you who you want to be?

This is your life, is it everything that you dreamed it would be

when the world was younger, and you had everything to lose?"

The simple answer .... no.

The Blahs

After changing medication last week I was hoping to feel better by now. I'm not sure why I haven't improved but I'm trying to be patient and give it another week or so. I'm still running a fever off and on, my head feels like it weighs 60lbs, and I just feel like I'm completely removed from my body. My muscles and joints are still sore but that could be because of my trek over the weekend or just because that's the way that it's going to be from now on. I know that some of you are worried about me but I promise that I'm going to be fine, it's just a lot to deal with at one time. Keep praying and keep thanking God for the blessings that you have in your life!

Here's another picture that I took while hiking. There's always something beautiful if you are willing to look for it!

Winding Paths

Over the weekend I went on a long walk with some friends. This is one of the pictures that I took. It was a beautiful day and the trip was fun but extremely exhausting for me. Just as this picture shows, the path is long and winding with no knowledge of where or how things will end. Those of you who know me well, know that I always have a plan and that I'm a little bit of a perfectionist. It is hard for me to think that in just 2 months I will be unemployed and have no place to live. I trust that God sees the next turn in my path and that He is guiding me in the way that I need to go. I trust that "All things work together for good for those that love the Lord." May you all be blessed on your own paths of life and may you have a clearer picture of where you are headed!

Changes

Over the past few weeks I have been steadily declining back to where I was 4 or 5 months ago. I have been running a low-grade fever on a consistent basis for almost 3 weeks, daily headaches, my joints are aching again and I am having muscle spasms in my arms and legs. It sounds worse than it is, but I am just tired of overlooking it. I talked with my doctor today and he is switching my medication since I'm on the highest dose already and having symptoms anyway. I am supposed to check in with him next week to report my progress so hopefully by then I will be feeling better.
On a lighter note .... 70 days to go!! I am still looking at any available jobs in the area and today I entered a contest to win a house for $100. http://www.winmyhouse.net/ Sounds a little too good to be true, but I researched it thoroughly and it seems on the up-and-up. Either way, I figure that I can risk the money to win a house worth 3000 times that amount. I also found out today that a good friend is having a baby girl and I'm thrilled for the family! Lots of good things happening in life! I hope that everyone has a fun weekend and gets to enjoy the great spring weather!!

Sunrises and New Days

This was the sunrise from my deck last week. VERY rarely am I awake at the time of day to see the sunrise but last week one of my teams felt that it was necessary to practice at 8:00am. Needless to say, I was not so happy those 3 mornings that I had to wake up before the sun. However, when I went into my kitchen to get breakfast this beautiful sky was what I saw. I doubt that I will make a habit of waking up to see the sunrise but it did make those few days last week a little more bearable.
Basketball season is finally finished (YEA!!!!) so now I only have baseball, softball and tennis to worry about. I am counting down the days until I am officially finished ... 72! It doesn't seem like enough to accomplish all the things that are still up in the air but I'm working on it. I have a possible lead on a job and if that works out then it will help to decide where I am going to live. I still haven't had any offers on my house here but I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Trivial Pursuit

I called my parents house last night after I had finished a 15-hour workday. Here's what I was missing out on: my parents, my sister and her fiancee, my brother and his fiancee, and my grandparents all having dinner and a game night. It makes me sad to think about missing out on so much 'family time' over the past few years while I have been away. That is what I am looking forward to most about moving home; having time and being able to spend it with the people that I love the most. I am currently on Day 2 of a 7-day stretch of games so pray for me, my sanity, and a little rest somewhere in the middle!

Personality Type

I saw this link ( http://www.win.net/insightsys/question.htm ) on a website and thought that I would give it a try. According to this I am type ESFJ, which is odd considering that I was a different type in high school when I last remember taking this test. That got me wondering if personalities really do change or if maybe I just didn't know who I actually was back then. I do feel that I am a stronger and more self-aware person now than I was 7 years ago so hopefully all the changes have been for the better. After reading the assessment of my personality profile I completely agree with all of it. I think that you should all take the test and post a response with your profile. It will be interesting to see if the profiles match up with how you view yourself and how others view you. Also, please let me know if you agree with my results. Have a great week!!

Heroes

I had a great couple of hours with my friends and family over the weekend and hopefully it will be enough to get me through until I can see them again. I was also able to get some new medication while I was away. I'm not sure yet if it is helping mainly because I have been feeling sick all this week. I took one day off work and rested the entire day which helped a little.
This past week or so I have been thinking a lot about my grandma. She is a wonderful woman and one of my biggest heroes in life. (Grandma, I hope that you are reading this because you need to know how much you change people's lives.) I have always looked up to her and to my grandpa for the way that they have opened their lives and their home to save so many children. The past few years have been incredibly difficult for our family but you would never know it by her attitude. She is one of the most genuine people that I have ever met and if I have any of the same gifts as her, I hope that I will be able to touch lives the way that she has. While I was thinking about her the other night I decided to write down what she has meant to me and to hundreds of other people.

Astounding ... Beautiful ... Compassionate ... Driven ... Example ...

Faithful ... Godly ... Heroic ... Inspiring ... Joyous ... Kind ...

Loving ... Motherly ... Noble ... Open ... Peaceful ... Quiet ...

Respected ... Special ... True ... Unshakeable ... Vibrant ...

Wonderful ... X-traordinary ... Youthful ... Zealous

Isn't this how every person should want to be thought of? I know that she has never asked for recognition or wanted to be the focus but people should get the chance to see how much of a difference they have made. Grandma, I love you!

Reunion!

It's been a long and hard week but tomorrow I get to leave for the weekend and see some amazing friends. I can't wait to spend time with these people that I haven't seen in such a long time. Friends are such a wonderful blessing from God and I feel like my friends are especially wonderful. They have stuck with me through so much and have always kept me going. They are wonderful women who will be a part of my life for hopefully many years to come.

I hope that your weekend is as full and blessed as mine will be. Have fun and enjoy every minute because you'll never get it back!

Emotions

My house is going to go on the market this week. It's hard for me to believe that I am going to have to sell the house that I worked so hard to buy. I didn't think that I would care as much as I do. As I was trying to clean last night so that the pictures would look nice I realized how much I love my house and how much it has meant to me to be able to own a home. I know that I will probably own a few more over the course of my lifetime but the first one will always mean so much to me. I feel a little silly caring so much about a house but I doubt that I'm the only person who has ever felt this way. It could be the complete lack of sleep that has caused me to be emotional. I am still not sleeping well on a regular basis and today I can't turn my head to the left. I have been feeling pretty lousy for the past week but I've tried to focus on other things and that hasn't helped so I'm just going to address the issue. My head feels like it's going to explode, my neck is stiff, my back hurts, and my joints are starting to swell again. I know that I can overcome these things. Phillipians 4:13 says "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". Hopefully I can talk with my doctor this week and figure something out. Thanks for the prayers!

THE Announcement

I think that it is finally safe to say what has been on my mind for the past several days. Last week, after a lot of praying, I decided to resign my job. I feel that the stress of the ridiculously long hours and the overall stress of the office have contributed to the decline of my health. I feel that it is time to move back home, closer to family and friends. Hopefully this will help my health improve. I have started the lengthy process of trying to find a job in the area and someplace to live. I am at complete peace with this decision and I'm sure that there are some of you who are so excited that I'm moving back that you are jumping up and down. If you know of any job openings or have any ideas I would love to hear them. I'm so excited to finally be coming home!

Breathing Room

I took yesterday off work. I didn't do anything at all related to my job. I didn't take phone calls, schedule appointments, file paperwork, or listen to any complaints. It was so refreshing to be completely isolated for a day. I actually got a few tasks accomplished from start to finish. I have a lot more to do, but I know that I can handle it a little at a time. This next week is going to be crazy but I'm hoping to get out of town for a few hours next weekend to see some college friends which will be a ton of fun and a huge stress reliever. Thanks for the continued support and prayers. It means the world to me!

My Take on "The Secret"

I TiVo Oprah everyday and watch the days that seem interesting. Two weeks ago she did a show on this new phenomenon that is a book and a dvd called "The Secret". From what I could gather it tells people that based on the universal laws of attraction whatever you think about will be what is. According to these 'experts' if you think about being healthy and having a lot of money, you will. This upset me a little bit because it makes it seem like those of us who are not 100% happy with our lives are to balme. If we would just think more positive thoughts then we would have a better life. I didn't read the book or watch the dvd but I thought about that show for a couple days.
Then last week Oprah did an update of people whose lives had been transfored in the week since the show aired. I was curious to see how this could change someone's life in a week. People said that they saved their marriges, got better jobs, fell in love, and all sorts of crazy other things that I just don't know if I believe. However, the part of the show that upset me most was when the 'experts' told a woman in the audience that as individuals we answer to no one and that there was no such thing as a heaven or a hell. They claimed that these are feelings based on how our life is here on earth, not actual places. I believe that "The Secret" is completely off base and it is some form of spirituality for the non-religious people that need something to believe in. It is telling these people that they should believe in themselves and the power that they have within them to change every aspect of their lives.
I do feel that God gives us the power to determine what our lives will be, but I do not think that I can cure myself of a disease, or poor eye-sight like one woman claimed. Psalm 139:16 says that "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." God has a plan for our lives and through prayer we are better to able understand His plan and live our lives accordingly. I also believe that we have free-will in our lives and that we are able to live however we chose. MY "secret" is being a Christian and believing that "all things work together for good for those that love the Lord".

The Calm After the Storm

I finally feel like I can breathe. I have made some decisions that will soon make my life much better. I feel like I can see a light at the end of the tunnel now that hasn't been there for a long time. Physically, I'm still having joint and muscle pain but I actually slept last night for almost 9 hours. Hopefully the forthcoming changes in my life will coincide with decreased physical symptoms and a better sense of normalcy in my life. I know this message seems cryptic, and it is, but I'll fill in more details as I feel like I can. Thanks for the prayers, I can feel them working!

Life is ...

Have you ever tried to figure out a metaphor for your life? Recently I have felt like my life has been a roller coaster. Some highs, some lows, some quick turns, but mainly just too fast to enjoy it. I love roller coasters but feeling as if you are constantly living on one without knowing which direction is coming next is no way to live. Yesterday I decided that my life is a train wreck. I was speeding along on a pre-determined path and then I hit something. A wall, another train, a car, a cow, I'm not real sure what I hit but I know that it hurt. I feel like this is an opportunity to change the direction my life is going and hopefully the speed at which it is passing me by. Maybe my life can become like a horse-and-buggy ride, or like a bicycle ride. I need to find a purpose in my life and the strength to carry it through. Please keep praying for me and if you have any metaphors for your life, I'd like to hear them.

Answered Prayers

It's amazing what the Lord can do when you let Him. I have been praying for time to get things done and I got my answer today. It rained here most of last night and this morning so the baseball games for this afternoon were cancelled. I was able to check a few things off my lengthy to-do list this morning. Now if I could just find time to go grocery shopping and get a haircut I would feel so much better. Thanks for the prayers and please keep them coming!

Time

Time is one of those things that I have never been able to have enough of. Most of my life I have been on the run. My grandpa always told me that I learned to run before I walked. I don't know if that's true, but I don't think that I've ever learned to live at a normal pace. I wish that I didn't need as much sleep as I do. If I could spend less time trying to sleep maybe I would have enough free time to accomplish all the little things that seem to get left behind. I feel like there is so much coming at me that I can't manage all of it. There is a song by Sugarland called "Stand Back Up" that I have made my anthem of sorts. This is the part that chokes me up:

I've been beaten, I've been bruised, I've been kicked right off my shoes,
Been down on my knees more times than you'd believe,
When the darkness tries to get me, There's a light that just won't let me,
It might take my pride, and tears may fill my eyes,
But I'll stand back up ......
You'll know just the moment when I've had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up

I know that no matter how I feel, the small things are small for a reason and in the long run they don't matter. It's days like today when I wish that I had someone in my life who could do the small things for me. Someone to depend on that I could trust with everything that matters and even the things that don't. It would be nice if my family were closer but living so far away was my choice and most of the time I feel that it was a good one. Keep me in your prayers, hopefully I can get past these next few weeks and keep my sanity in tack.

Feelings

This is an article that I found while trying to research and learn more. Most of it describes how I feel but some of it doesn't apply to me. Regardless, I think that it will make others aware of what I am actually going through. I feel that I should give credit to the person who wrote it but I'm not sure who that is so just understand that it wasn't me.

I’m not trying to speak for everyone, but from my own perspective I can tell you what I NEED from my family and friends and so seldom get.
I NEED TO BE SHELTERED dropped off at the curb and told, don't try to do that, let me help you.... There is so much going on in my body that I have no control over and it does get overwhelming and exhausting to my body.
I NEED TO FEEL PROTECTED even though I can't be safe on the inside at least I can feel if ANYONE or ANYBODY wants to "get at me" then they are going to have to "GO THROUGH" my protector.
I NEED TO FEEL CHERISHED as if my family or friends feel they are blessed for each day we have together, LIFE IS SO FRAGILE.
I NEED TO FEEL CARED FOR when I am feeling sick everything is hard to do, even dressing and I WOKE UP WITH ONLY 2 MILES OF ENERGY INSIDE OF ME AND A NORMAL DAY TAKES 25 MILES WORTH. I need someone else to say, "let me empty the dishwasher", or “so what do you need me to do?” I FEEL GUILTY when I can't do the daily inconsequential details that are the GLUE HOLDING THE HOUSEHOLD INTACT.
I NEED TO FEEL RESPONSIBLE I know the latest research, I am on the internet each day to learn more, please don't say B-12 might cure me, I’ve tried the miracle cures and read the articles. DON’T YOU KNOW how DISAPPOINTED I GET WITH MY OWN BODY for NOT COOPERATING?
I NEED TO FEEL FORGIVEN for NOT being a full person (in the world's view). You may not hold a grudge, I know it’s hard on you to pick up slack, but I don't FEEL FORGIVEN, I feel guilty.
I NEED TO FEEL LIKE PART OF A TEAM working toward a common goal (our life together) and it is OK if my main contribution is SPIRIT.
I NEED TO FEEL INCREDIBLE I get angry sometimes seeing a tennis mom sachet into lunch with the girls after a manicure. I WISH I had the energy to even have a manicure, let alone waste precious energy on such frivolous pursuits as gossip over lunch and judging other women's clothes and homes and accomplishments.
I NEED TO FEEL AFFIRMED So many people scoff when I can't "Do just this one little activity, and it IS EXPECTED." I get tired of feeling guilty for not BEING ENOUGH to people that I don't care about in the first place. When I rant over the injustice of my illness, don't try to talk me out of it, or encourage me, just say "I KNOW, IT ISN'T FAIR, YOU DON'T DESERVE THIS"
I NEED A FRIEND who is there for me on the good days and there for me on the bad days, too. I get left out of a lot, because I go for periods of time when I am unable to do much, they think I probably can't participate, so they forget about me, or just don't even invite me. It is LONELY being ill over a long term.
I NEED TO BE ENCOURAGED The thought of being sick like this for the rest of my life INDUCES WAVES OF PANIC. It sometimes seems like a life not worth living, the quality is so poor so much of the time. I’m a Christian, I have great faith, but it can be overwhelming, especially when it’s implied "if your faith were greater, or if you would just DECIDE not to be sick....." We HAVE ALL TRIED THAT - it doesn't work.
I NEED TO BE PRAYED FOR Frankly sometimes in the middle of the night when everyone is sleeping soundly and there are only the creaks of the house for company....I'm SCARED, REALLY SCARED. I wonder who will remember me when I’m gone and if I’m making any sort of impact on the world at all to validate my life. REALITY looms large and feels ominous. It seems like I’m PURSUED NIGHT AND DAY BY A STEALTHY UNSEEN STALKER, who knows my every move. It would feel wonderful to really believe I am actively prayed for.
I NEED TO BE ANTICIPATED If I am sick in bed, know that I am dying inside, because I am neglecting things that need to be done, and the PRESSURE AND STRESS TO GET WELL is VERY GREAT because I know when I do get out of bed THERE WILL BE EVEN MORE RESPONSIBILITY WAITING FOR ME than BEFORE I wore myself down into a state of exhaustion and bedrest. Just come on over and SILENTLY DO SOMETHING/ ANYTHING, and don't even expect gratitude, I may not even realize, but when I get up a lighter load will be blessed.
I NEED TO BE NURTURED I just got an email requesting a group of us to get a nice meal up for someone, because she is down with the flu, poor husband for taking care of her! I LIVE WITH THE FLU EVERYDAY OF MY LIFE! The last time a meal was brought to us, was a year ago, after I had been extremely sick for 6 weeks. Before that it was years. No one even THINKS of reaching out to a chronically ill person, because they might be EXPECTED to do it monthly or because they are so used to you being sick, they don't even realize sick MEANS SICK. Our families suffer too, and would like a warm meal, as much as the lady who just had a baby or the woman with toe surgery.
I NEED TO BE APPLAUDED give me CREDIT for being a SURVIVOR AND A THRIVER. TO KNOW that there are women out there who have never had more than a broken acrylic nail and an unreliable housekeeper, is infuriating sometimes, especially when it’s implied they must be better than me or I wouldn't be sick all the time and unorganized and uninvolved. I know we don't know what people's lives are like behind closed doors, but I would love, have prayed, to JUST BE SHALLOW FOR A DAY and take every STEP, BREATH AND ACTIVITY FOR GRANTED without deciding WHICH few things I could do today that will make a difference over the next 30 years (it is almost always be a good mom and wife).
I NEED TO BE RESPECTED I am intelligent, I am attractive, I was once beautiful.... It is depressing to swell into a stranger because of meds and to have no clothes that fit attractively. I'm too tired to shop for them, and if I did shop for new clothes, I wouldn't have energy to wear them anywhere anyway. I CAN DO THINGS, I just can't prove it very often. I AM SOMEBODY not a disease, but the disease overshadows my chance TO BE MYSELF.
I NEED TO FEEL NORMAL Sometimes it feels like a BOLT OF REALITY HITS ME, as if I JUST REALIZED I am not a healthy person for the very first time. It doesn't seem real or possible for a minute, almost shocking. I can't do everything, but sometimes it would be fun to just play with no worries. HELP ME ESCAPE for a few hours to a play or comedy club, somewhere different where no one knows and I can forget.
I NEED MY DIGNITY It’s important for me, with so little control over anything else in my life, to at least have my dignity. Please DON'T SPECULATE ABOUT ME with other family members or friends and compare notes about my progress or lack of progress or determination or mindset, or your opinion of what I could, should or ought to be doing differently. It is easy to be smug when you aren't wearing lead ankle weights each day and trying to walk through neck deep water, this is what it really feels like. Everything is ten times harder for me than it is for you.
I NEED TO FEEL ACCEPTED AND INCLUDED not like a project to be SCRUTINIZED for worthiness and validity. I’m not going to doctor after doctor and struggling to survive for ATTENTION. Believe me, if I wanted attention, I’m bright and capable enough to get it in other ways. I’d rather be noticed for my good qualities and accomplishments. Even if I were getting attention, which I’m not, it certainly isn’t worth all this seclusion and suffering. REALLY who WANTS to have medical tests run and spend travel money on medication?Not every day is like this, there are good days, and that is what makes the bad days even more depressing sometimes, because you realize what you are missing.
DON’T TALK, JUST DO. Actions speak louder than words. You have the freedom to buy a plane ticket and go anywhere in the world and enjoy it. You can take a job, or join a club, or garden or take a hike or run in to a new shop or.............anything you decide to do on a whim. I have to think and plan and strategize. I am afraid to make plans because I really don't know if I will be able to follow through on them. Even planning takes energy, which may not leave enough energy for the actual doing. YOU PLAN SOMETHING and pull me along, with no responsibilities and NO GUILT if I can only do half of the plan...at least we will have done something.

Insomnia

For the past few weeks I have not been able to sleep more than a couple hours a night. I have taken prescription sleeping pills, over the counter sleeping pills, TylenolPM, and a few other things that people have recommended but nothing has helped. I haven't been sleeping well for almost a year now but it's getting worse. At least in the beginning the sleeping pills did the trick but now they have absolutely no effect. It's hard to function on a daily basis and do the job that I do with very little sleep. I am trying desperately to convince my co-workers and myself that I can manage it all but I don't know how much longer I can go without getting some rest. Right now I have more going on than any other time of the year so I am working 7 days a week and between 50 and 60 hours. I also know that it will get worse before it gets better so I'm in for a hard ride. Any advice would be helpful.

Tired in Tennessee

Overview of the past

I decided to start this blog in order to keep people up-to-date on the things happening in my life without having to repeat myself 300 times. As most people in my life know, I have been sick for quite some time now. I started having problems in the fall of 2005 and things have been getting worse ever since. I have seen 8 doctors and I'm still not 100% sure that they know what they are talking about. For the most part, my primary physician (who is an absolute God-send!!!) believes that I have SLE or Lupus, for short. For those of you who don't know what that is and don't feel like doing the research I'll try to give you a quick explanation. It is an autoimmune disease where the immune system works in overdrive and attacks the bodies healthy cells instead of the foreign cells. As the disease progress it can attack all different parts of the body but right now the only thing that has been affected for me is my joints and muscles. That means that I hurt a majority of the time, even with medication, and I don't have the stamina that a normal 25 year-old would have. Since the beginning I have tried to keep this mostly to myself but lately other people have begun to notice that things aren't as normal as they expect. Please understand that I'm a fairly private person and that sharing a lot of details is new to me. I am going to try my best to keep everyone informed but just as the progression of this disease is slow, so are the answers that go along with it. 2006 was a difficult year for me and for my family as we had many obstacles to overcome but with prayer and with each other, we are strong and positive about the future. I will try my best to answer any questions that people might have and I'm also willing to listen to any advice that might be helpful. Thanks for caring and thanks for reading!!